"Settler" Humor

I do not like the term "settler".

I do not use it.

It reflects negatively on the historic Jewish endeavor to reestablish and reconstitute in the land of our forefathers, our ancient 3000 year old patrimony, a homeland as a renewed political entity.

I have selected another word, less pejorative, which is "revenant" and have explained here four years ago why I prefer it and why I chose it.

But, I like humor and when this came across my screen, I knew it had to appear at my blog, too. So, enjoy.

You Might Be a "Settler" If...

House / Neighborhood

You might be a settler if live in a bank but are flat broke.
You might be a settler if your electricity goes off at least once a week.
You might be a settler if your son does his army service near your house.
You might be a settler if “Little House on the Prairie” reminds you of home.
You might be a settler if your house resembles a tin can on a hill top.
You might be a settler if your succa looks better than your house.
You might be a settler if cable TV doesn’t come out to your parts and you’re thankful for that.
You might be a settler if you pick up your plane20tickets at the butcher shop, (since his wife is a travel agent).
You might be a settler if the local park bench attracts dozens of teens on a Friday night.
You might be a settler if you took out that damn park bench.
You might be a settler if your kids’ playground has concrete walls against snipers.
You might be a settler if you can sleep through loudspeakers blasting recorded prayers in Arabic.
You might be a settler if people borrow your house when you’re away for the weekend.
You might be a settler if on Saturdays you walk in the street and leave the sidewalks to the cats.
You might be a settler if you assemble to pray on a street corner instead of a synagogue.
You might be a settler if you have a minyan at the supermarket and pray you can pay the bill.

Guns

You might be a settler if your wife shoots better than you.
You might be a settler if you carry an automatic weapon into a bank but don’t plan to rob it.
You might be a settler if you wear a gun to synagogue.
You might be a settler if you have shot a menacing neighborhood dog.
You might be a settler if you think “going to the range” has nothing to do with golf.
You might be a settler if you don’t lock your door but you sleep with a Colt 45 under your pillow.

Car / Road

You might be a settler if your car has gotten stoned more often than you.
You might be a settler if the bus you ride has inch thick opaque bullet proof windows and stops at your settlement only when the driver feels like it.
You might be a settler if repairmen make sure they leave your house well before dark.
You might be a settler if you recite the prayer for the road when leaving home, and mean it.
You might be a settler if you don’t wear a seatbelt because you might need to get out quick.
You might be a settler if your car is plastered with faded bumper stickers protesting almost 2 decades of government policy.
You might be a settler if you share the road with mule powered vehicles.
You might be a settler if you have driven through=2 0a herd of goats on your way to work.
You might be a settler if you’re late to dinner because a family of wild boar was crossing the road.
You might be a settler if you hitchhike with your whole family.
You might be a settler if you have an orange ribbon dangling in your car.
You might be a settler if you teach your kids how to drive on unpaved security roads.
You might be a settler if your car was outfitted with rock resistant windows and you drive with them rolled down.
You might be a settler if you stop for hitchhikers.

Misc

You might be a settler if your wife says keeps your hands off the cake she just baked, because it’s for soldiers.
You might be a settler if your wife walks around wearing a baseball cap.
You might be a settler if your daughter wears a skirt over her jeans.
You might be a settler if your parents can hardly understand what your kids are saying.
You might be a settler if your kids don’t get hig h but are high on hill tops.
You might be a settler if you follow Moses but the Evangelicals support you.
You might be a settler if you get lost when you leave home because everything is called Rabin.
You might be a settler if your coworkers are afraid to visit you.
You might be a settler if your day job is guarding a kindergarten.
You might be a settler if you attend more than 10 weddings a year.
You might be a settler if you attend more than 10 memorials a year.
You might be a settler if you’ve been to Hevron and Joseph’s Tomb.
You might be a settler if folks in Tel Aviv, that you have never met, hate your guts.

Gov’t

You might be a settler if when you put up a shed it gets reported to the U.N.
You might be a settler if Bush and Rice don’t want your kids to live where you do.
You might be a settler if the senior politician mocks your American accent but calls his life work the “Pis Process”.
You might be a settler if your radio station was shut down.
You might be a settler if you don’t use your phone because it’s tapped.
You might be a settler if you’ve been arrested for demonstrating.
You might be a settler if you’re not allowed to go home during the olive harvest.
You might be a settler if the party you want to vote for is outlawed.
You might be a settler if your house has been declared a “closed military zone”.
You might be a settler if you’ve lived in your house while half a dozen governments have come and gone.

Outlook

You might be a settler if you think Haaretz is the place to live, Maariv is evening prayers and Yediot is a kind of toilet tissue.
You might be a settler if you take being called an “obstacle to peace” as a compliment.
You might be a settler if you think the security wall is to keep the rising oceans from flooding your house.
You might be a settler if you can’t sell your house, but that’s OK because you don’t want to.
You might be a settler if the government offers you money to abandon your home and you say “stuff it”.
You might be a settler if you’re told to go back to where you came from and you say: “I DID”.
You might be a settler if you think that God is not just your copilot but your Captain.
You might be a settler if you still hope and pray that this Rosh Hashana will herald our redemption.

Now, if anyone wants to claim authorship, please let me know.