Scarlett Johannsson Does Priestly Blessing, Sort Of

In her new movie, "Lucy", I thought I spotted something familiar to we Jews:

^

Halachic Humor

Found at MailJewish:-

Has anyone come across or devised any methods for reducing the amount of talking in Shul that have actually worked?

One technique that works briefly, on a limited scale in a small shul, is to separate chronic talkers by giving them properly spaced aliyot (e.g., shelishi and chamishi). I call them "disciplinary aliyot".

And in line with the mechitza thread, a friend who is a gabbai told me that the best way would be to require men to sit with their wives.

^

"Rabbi" Netanyahu Instructs

As for the Halachic question as to how much liquid imbibed requires the Final Benediction or the Blessing After, "Rabbi" Benjamin Netanyahu provides the answer:

^

The Jewish Balabustah Pole Dancer

A week or so ago, I related to and commented on the story of Stern Girls exercising via pole dancing.

I have now managed to obtain a picture of supposedly what a true Jewish balabustah* looks like while pole dancing:

*

In Hebrew, the master of the house is literally the ba'al ha'bayit, or ba'al ha'bayis.  The words, when they transmuted into Yiddish, became balabus. It's fairly common in Yiddish for a male term, when converted to its female equivalent, to take on the ending "te" or "ene," e.g. chazzan-chazzante, yid-yidene.  Thus for every balabus there is usually a balabuste.  This is one word that is almost always positive, expressing admiration for a woman who can take hold of a home and manage it well.

^

So, Why Did Facebook Stock Drop?

The Jewish angle:

(k/t=YD)

^

Receiving the Tablets - 21st Century Version

In  honor of Shavuot, the holiday commemorating the receiving of the Law at Sinai:

(sent to me by Bob L.)

^

Is Zaftig In?

BT wrote to me asking "Does this mean zaftig is in?" after reading this news item:

New law bans use of underweight models in ads

...According to the law, models with a Body Mass Index (BMI) below 18.5 would not be able to appear in advertisements. Moreover, any advertisement in which computer editing was used to make a model thinner, would have to say so clearly.

The law does not apply to non-commercial advertisements.

Knesset Member Rachel Adatto (Kadima), who submitted the bill along with MK Danny Danon (Likud), said "...This law shatters the ideal of anorexic beauty, which served as a model for the country's young people, who tried to imitate this impossible illusion and suffered from eating disorders as a result.

"This law will send a message to teenagers that being thin is acceptable, but slimness has its limits, and there is such a thing as too thin," she said.

Well, anyone who knows the yiddish term of zaftig should know that zaftig is being way out.

^

Super Bowel Modesty Issues

Thanks to LK:

I know this doesnt need to be said but I cant resist. THE TV MUST BE TURNED OFF DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW!  I heard there was a mysa a few years back where one of the woman involved in the show had a "wardrobe malfunction."  Well not in my house. Ahh but you might say that Madonna is a real masmid of Kabullah and she is on such a madreiga that the moment wont get to her.  I hear the vort, but "safek d'orysa l'chumra" so I insist on that the half time show is not to be watched in my home.

You want the whole piece?

Hi,

I live in KGH, mamesh 4 minute walk from Lander College.  I will be watching the game by my inlaws who arent so frum so i will not be home all day on sunday.  I have a 42 in tv in my bedroom.  I dont have it in my living room because I dont want my children to know we have a tv in the house, chas v'shalom even see me watching it.  I only watch sports anyways. I have no problem  with a few guys renting my apartment to watch the game.  There are just a few conditions I need to make %100  sure will be kept.

1) Any food brought into my house must be Cholov Yisroel (even thought no shtark bocher is going to be eating dairy during the big game). Most importantly, every thing must be Yashan.  I take it very seriously.  Some Yidden are of the opinion that that Yashan is just a chumra.  Thats fine, those are the same people that dont wear hats and jackets while they are davening.  Its pashut to me that Yashan is not a chumra, but im not going to get into the details right now.

2) If my wife is still in Niddah, then you can probrally fit about 5 to 6 folding chairs between our beds.  Ill make sure to move the night table that separtes our beds into the living room.  If she baruch hashem is not in Nidda anymore, then you can probrally fit 3 to 4 chairs between out beds.  Oh, and please dont eat in my bedroom.

3)  I know this doesnt need to be said but I cant resist. THE TV MUST BE TURNED OFF DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW!  I heard there was a mysa a few years back where one of the woman involved in the show had a "wardrobe malfunction."  Well not in my house. Ahh but you might say that Madonna is a real masmid of Kabullah and she is on such a madreiga that the moment wont get to her.  I hear the vort, but "safek d'orysa l'chumra" so I insist on that the half time show is not to be watched in my home.

4) Hats and jackets MUST be worn to and from my apartment.  Once you get inside you can dress however you want.  You can even wear a brooks brothers light blue shirt for all I care.  I cant have my neighbors see people coming in and out of my apartment that dont look like b'nei toyrah.

5) Absolutely no gambling on the game in my house.  Gambling is for modern orthodox people who think its "ok" as long as im not sitting at a card table with another jew.  Wrong!  Not in my house.  I dont need the pictures of my Rabbeim on the wall to see bochrim gambeling in my apartment. I am charging $36.00 dollars a head, two times chai, per person who comes to watch by me. If there is serious interest, please email me back soon so I can figure out an excuse to tell my wife why we have to sleep by her parents house sunday night.

I will tell you my exact address and the place i will leave the keys
at a later time.

Tizku L'mitsvos and LETS GO GIANTS!

^

Hareidi Solution to Female Proximity on Buses

Here's a solution that avoids having women sit in the back:-

(k/t*=RH)

________

* k/t - kippah tip)

The Parodies - Reabsorbing Israelis

Who says Jews aren't humorous?

Take-off parody on the film clips produced by the Ministry of Absorption:



More:

Here.

^

Jewish Humor

This bears repeating:

Top Ten Ways Obama Can Win Back the Jewish Vote

10. Shows up to the UN next week wearing a "No Palestinian Chicken" T-shirt

9. Writes a stirring Op Ed to the NYTimes promoting a Spitzer/Weiner 2016 Ticket

8. Hits up a Tashlich social scene

7. Reaches out to Jews the way they feel it most: YouTube Acapella

6. Sicks Navy Seal Team 6 on Mel Gibson

5. Launches a Shabbos Kindle and promotes it with: YES YOU CAN!

4. One night stand with a Jewish intern

3. Has Jimmy Carter put to sleep

2. Decides not to work on Yom Kippur

1. Two Words: Free Gilad

Hey, Free Pollard,, too!

^

Go With Artichokes

.

^

The "Black and Jewish" Video

Black and Jewish (Black and Yellow Parody) from Kat Graham

Source

The lyrics you want?:

Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Yeah, huh huh, you know what it is

My ass and nose: they're both big

Yeah, uh huh, screaming "fuck a hater"

Sippin on E at my Passover Seder

Reppin for my parents, when you see me

You know everything black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish

I put it down, got a Star of David on my chain

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black dad, Jewish mom

Eating gefilte fish while pouring Don

Soon as I hit the schul I go so hard

I'm Rosh Hashana, I blow the Shofar

Get my hair did, read the Torah

I'm thugged out, stab my enemies

With a Menorah

And I got the pedal to the metal

Cruising in my mini-van

Coming straight up out the schtetl

Hey my grandma talk, but

There's nothing you can tell her

We're about to meet up with

My Jewish diamond seller

She tryna set me up, but I'm breaking hearts

At least he's circumcized: that's a good start..

Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Yeah, huh huh, you know what it is

My ass and nose: they're both big

Yeah, uh huh, screaming "fuck a hater"

Sippin on E at my Passover Seder

Reppin for my parent, when you see me

You know everything black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish

We shut it down, had my Bar Mitzvah at KFC

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Got a call from a rabbi: this just in

There's a great deal on Kosher chicken

I'm wearing pink glasses, but I'm chic though

My Bar Mitzvah was crackin all week ho!

I'm sippin Clicquot and I'm keeping Shabbas

Every Hannukah I ? latkes

No paper planes, but I'm taking flight

I got a free trip to Israel: Birthright

Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Yeah, huh huh, you know what it is

My ass and nose: they're both big

Yeah, uh huh, screaming "fuck a hater"

Sippin on E at my Passover Seder

Reppin for my parents, when you see me

You know everything black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish

Pouring out a little Manischewitz for the homies

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

Black and Jewish, black and Jewish

I'm holding court like I'm supposed to do

But it's hard when there's good barbeque

Sitting close to you!

My mini-van looks approachable

Super cheap but we roll deep!

You wanna mess with a chick who spin dreidels

Eat challah, I save 5 dollars

That's that. Jewish rap

I made me some chicken soup cause my flow is sick

If you need you a lawyer, I get you a deal quick..

Humor for the Month of Av

.

Translation:

The Meat Protest

A first: a world protest group: We're not eating meat for 9 days

And on the ninth day, a full 25-hour period of starvation.

(Shabbat not included)

Hint.


(k/t = CH, via TR vi NM)
^

Purim in Afghanistan?

Could this have been photographed on Purim in Afghanistan?

^

Humor From Behind The Mechitza

Received:

Our shul is having mechitza fights. Thought I'd share what some of us posted to the neighborhood list. Maybe it will help you as well....


Eve

----

We, members of the esteemed organization known as WAMM, propose the following recommendations to the mechitza dilemma:

The Staggered Plan:

First few rows of the shul will be designated for men who have difficulties controlling their impulse to turn around and sneak a peek at the women. Therefore, a mechitza will separate them from the next section of men.

Section 2: The back section, heretofore known as the Back Street Boys (BSB), will serve as a buffer from the uncontrollable impulse of the first section of men. The BSB sacrifice is that the women's eyes may inadvertently scan them during the service.

Section 3: Women who wish to feel part of the service and actually be able to see the Torah, will be seated behind a diaphanous (see dictionary) partition.

Section 4: Women whose childhood nostalgia, customs, comfort zone or proto-religious sensibilities, are offended by proximity to those who carry an X and Y chromosome, will be seated behind aluminum siding - color to be decided by Vaad vote.

The Mooning Plan:

The shul will be redesigned in the round, reminiscent of the lunar calendar (moon is round).

Allow us to illuminate: In the core, will be the Shulchan. The inner circle will be the men who like to correct everybody when they are laining, especially the nervous bar mitzva boys.

The next circle will be the men who attend services to set an example for their children but really don't want to be there.

Now, the next circle are the women who would like to be as close to the action as possible, or who have bad aim and would like to have an easier time targeting the nervous bar mitzvah boys with candy.

The final circle of women will be comprised of those who do not want to be seen or heard.

The Virtual Mechitza:

The advantage of this plan is the complete elimination of the mechitza. Individualized 4D virtual headsets will be programmed to the exact blurring coordinates suited to each congregant's personal choice. Zoom feature, an option. In addition, a virtual film for recreating the story of the parsha will be available. This will get the kids involved, as well. Of course this will all be done according to the Tzomet Institute state of the art technology to avoid Sabbath desecration.

Individualized Bee Catchers Hat:

This, too, eliminates the necessity for a mechitza. All congregants will have their own individualized hats with their personalized choice of the thickness of their netting. This idea was inspired by the recent royal wedding and the magnificent headpieces we were all exposed to.

There will also be a choice in the lengths of the netting. It can cover just the face, parts, or the entire body.

Shower Curtain Option:

The ceiling of the shul will be fitted with circular tracks for individual shower curtain mechitzas. As congregants enter the shul, each will go into their own arba amot, with their personal design and thickness. Once under the circular track of their choice, one simply needs to enclose themselves in his or her own little community friendly stall. (There will, of course, be the same assigned seating as we have now. And to reopen that controversy, women will likewise receive assigned seating).

Mixed Seating Option:

In order to prevent the senseless chatter and eye wandering, or lack of attention to the services, we propose wives be seated next to their respective husbands which will (obviously) prevent any conversation or sidelong glances.

Newlyweds are the exception to this plan and will therefore be prevented from praying in this synagogue.

The Sound System Plan:

For those who do not even want to risk seeing anyone going to and fro our place of worship, we can install a Shabbat-friendly sound system in their homes for their personal davening pleasure ( a virtual minyan option, if you will).

The Mechitza within a Mechitza

An opaque curtain will be set up on one side of the women's section (enclosing them completely), as per their request to not see or be seen. The remainder of the women's section will have a semi-sheer mechitza.

HOWEVER, A corresponding opaque curtain will encompass an area in the men's section, outside the Shulchan area for the men who do not wish to have visibility of the women, and as a consequence will also not have visibility of the Torah and services, as ludicrous and demeaning as that sounds.

This may deepen their awareness, empathy and compassion for the women who feel disconnected from the services. In plain English, maybe they will understand what it's like not to have a clue as to what is going on.

Comments welcome. Please reply to all addresses above. Anyone who would like to volunteer to translate this email into Hebrew, please do not hesitate.

Thank you,

WAMM - WOME​N AGAINST MECHITZA MESHUGAAS
Steering Committee:

Zahava Englard
Michele Wechsler
Eve Harow
Marilyn Adler

All rights reserved.

_________________

My comments:

a)  what about a transgender situation?

b)  can churches benefit from some of these ideas?

c)  what happened to the balcony effect?  one-way windows?

d)  how high need a mechitza be?

e)  is a mechitza required for outdoor dancing as in the Moon Ritual?

f)  as for communication needs, that's been treated:

Communicating with spouse across the mechitza:
Hand signals; Shouting; Smoke signals (not on Shabbos); Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur; Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section; Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu;

g) other problems arising from a mechitza situation

I wish to be seated in a seat where:

--I can see my spouse over the mechitza
--I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
--I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
--My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse over the mechitza
--No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
--I can sleep during services
--I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (additional charges)

Too Funny (But You Need Know Hebrew)

Reported:

A woman who may have been engaged in sexual activity in a township cemetery Tuesday evening was injured when a tombstone fell on her leg, police said.

The 39-year-old woman was not badly hurt, and the administration of Ahavath Israel Cemetery declined to press charges, according to police.

The woman was with a male friend in the graveyard off Cedar Lane just before 7 p.m. visiting the grave of a relative. When the two engaged in some “extracurricular activities,” one of the grave markers rolled onto the woman’s leg, Capt. James Stevens said.

...Cemetery management was contacted, but no criminal investigation of the two was launched after the administration decided not to file a criminal complaint.

Why funny?

"Ahavath Israel" translates as "Love of Israel".

^

A Strauss-Kahn Joke

Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been rumored saying that the recent charges against him would force him to drop out of the race for President of France.


However, he is still considering making aliyah to Israel and then running for its President instead.


(k/t = RA)

Getting Ready for Purim

.

Source

What Those Bratzlav Hassidim Won't Do

.

I hope the Waqf doesn't see this.

Psssst:
Islamic Waqf Council

P.O. Box 19004
Jerusalem, Israel

02-628-3292


(Kippah tip: RH)