Monday, January 25, 2010

Jewish Humor Takes To The Skies

The Halachos of T’fillin on Airplanes

1. The name for T’fillin in English is “Phylacteries” which come from a Greek root, phylassein, meaning “to protect”. Donning T’fillin is a good omen for the flight. When the Rebbe, z’l, was alive, he once put on his T’fillin on a flight to Los Angeles in which the plane hit a flock of geese two minutes after takeoff. Miraculously, the engines, which took in some 20 geese were not at all damaged. In fact, the result was a delicious foie gras, prepared under rabbinical supervision.

2. Should the flight crash, VeShalom, there will be two additional black boxes for the NTSB – National T’fillin Safety Board. Investigators are likely to find that a faulty Klaf is to blame.

3. Should an “apparent” Jew attempt to put on T’fillin on Shabbes or Yom Tov on the airplane, immediately shoot the terrorist. He’s no Jew. A traditional Jew would know better. The same applies to someone donning T’fillin at night. If no gun is available, the straps from the T’fillin Shel Rosh may be used as an effective garrotte, or choking device.

4. There should be no charge for carrying T’fillin Dakos in your handbag. It costs $36 to bring along Tfillin Gassos, unless you book a separate seat for your T’fillin.

5. Make sure to translate “V’erastich Li Le’olam.. etc.” – I betroth you forever, etc. VERY loudly when the hottest flight attendant passes by (preferably a female flight attendant) The CJLS has a split decision on cases involving male flight attendants.

6. When you wrap the straps around your finger, make sure that the letters T S A stand out clearly.

7. Should your T’fillin Shel Yad start to unravel, start screaming and demand that the pilot descend to the altitude that the airplane was at at the approximate time that you put them on. Only then, should you wrap them tightly once again. B’sha’as Hadechak - for example, when they’re starting to play a movie, you may rewrap the T’fillin without returning to the original altitude.

8. On Rosh H.odesh, make sure to take off your T’fillin before the flight attendants come by on their last sweep to pick up trays, newspapers, etc.

9. Should the oxygen mask drop while your T’fillin are on, carefully make sure to put the mask on – BUT check to be certain that the plastic of the mask or the tube does not create a barrier between the T’fillin and your head.

But aren't these usually lists of 10?

Okay, one I recall from many years ago:

10. If you are going to use the very special massage pair of tefillin, those that come with a battery-generated mechanism that smooths up you arm muscle and also applies vigorous head soothing movement - these are very special tefillin - always inform airport security first. These will really freak out the stewardess as the make you shuckle in ways you never knew you could.

(Kippah tip: 1-9 = RH)

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