If Stallone Had Turned Jesus into Rocky Balboa

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar’s Palace, that the fight between Satan and the Son of Man should be held as soon as terms could be agreed by both parties.

Now, there came from the East three wise men following a star (not three kings, as has sometimes been reported, but Don King and two others) to where the challenger was abiding in a manger, watched over by shepherds. And the wise men said: “These shepherds do not have your best interests at heart — we can get you a title shot and 70 per cent of the purse.”

And the shepherds were sore afraid. Because they were pussies.

Yea, and the Devil accepted the challenge, and put the souls of men up for grabs, but would not put up his big gold belt, or his stretch merc.

And it came to pass when the fight date was settled that Jesus was led into the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights, where he got into shape running up and down parapets and doing push-ups. And they did play rousing thrash metal tunes during this time, which came to be called “the training sequence”.

Lo, and the Devil was arrogant and did not rate Jesus as a challenger, and did not train, but hung around with flunkies and marketing men and did a lot of television.

Yea, and Jesus became hungry, not for bread alone, but for victory. For he did go to scary gyms full of sweaty black men, and did regain the eye of the tiger.

And he did learn to stick and move, stick and move. So that they would know he was the Son of God, and not just another bum from the neighbourhood.

But, lo. The rules said that for a shot at the title Jesus first had to fight the number one contender, who was Pontius Pilate.

And the day of the fight came. And the match referee did climb into the ring and introduce the fighters, saying:

“In the red corner, weighing in at 290lb, the Punching Procurator, the Prefect without a Defect, Pontius Piiiiiiilaaate.

“And in the blue corner, weighing 130lb, fighting out of Bethlehem, Judea: the Gnasher from Nazareth, the Destroyer who’s not a Goyer, the one, the only, undisputed Kingggg of the Jewwwws . . . Jesus Chriiiiiiiist!”

Yea, and Jesus was knocked out in three, without a fight. And the commentators were sore amazed and addressed each other, saying: “I can’t understand it, Harry, he kept turning the other cheek. Pilate crucified him.”

And the combatants did hug in the centre of the ring and say, “Ain’t gonna be no rematch, ain’t gonna be no rematch.”

And Jesus said: “Yo, Adrian! I love you.” And they did play rousing music and roll the credits, and the people did think that that was pretty much that.

But on the third day Jesus rose again from the dead. Which was just what the producers had planned all along. And they called that Jesus II.

And then he rose again a third time and they called that Jesus III. And the people began to say that one sequel is all very well but two is taking the mickey.

And after that Jesus rose again a fourth time and took on the Russians, and they called this Jesus IV, and the people were sore fed-up, and said he was only in it for the money.

And then he rose again and they called it Jesus V, and the people did boo and throw fruit, and said, “enough already”.

And then Jesus rose again a sixth time and all the Christians converted back to Judaism because waiting for a messiah who had not yet come was more fun than a messiah who came six times and did not know when he had outstayed his welcome.

Courtesy of the London Times