Humor From Behind The Mechitza

Received:

Our shul is having mechitza fights. Thought I'd share what some of us posted to the neighborhood list. Maybe it will help you as well....


Eve

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We, members of the esteemed organization known as WAMM, propose the following recommendations to the mechitza dilemma:

The Staggered Plan:

First few rows of the shul will be designated for men who have difficulties controlling their impulse to turn around and sneak a peek at the women. Therefore, a mechitza will separate them from the next section of men.

Section 2: The back section, heretofore known as the Back Street Boys (BSB), will serve as a buffer from the uncontrollable impulse of the first section of men. The BSB sacrifice is that the women's eyes may inadvertently scan them during the service.

Section 3: Women who wish to feel part of the service and actually be able to see the Torah, will be seated behind a diaphanous (see dictionary) partition.

Section 4: Women whose childhood nostalgia, customs, comfort zone or proto-religious sensibilities, are offended by proximity to those who carry an X and Y chromosome, will be seated behind aluminum siding - color to be decided by Vaad vote.

The Mooning Plan:

The shul will be redesigned in the round, reminiscent of the lunar calendar (moon is round).

Allow us to illuminate: In the core, will be the Shulchan. The inner circle will be the men who like to correct everybody when they are laining, especially the nervous bar mitzva boys.

The next circle will be the men who attend services to set an example for their children but really don't want to be there.

Now, the next circle are the women who would like to be as close to the action as possible, or who have bad aim and would like to have an easier time targeting the nervous bar mitzvah boys with candy.

The final circle of women will be comprised of those who do not want to be seen or heard.

The Virtual Mechitza:

The advantage of this plan is the complete elimination of the mechitza. Individualized 4D virtual headsets will be programmed to the exact blurring coordinates suited to each congregant's personal choice. Zoom feature, an option. In addition, a virtual film for recreating the story of the parsha will be available. This will get the kids involved, as well. Of course this will all be done according to the Tzomet Institute state of the art technology to avoid Sabbath desecration.

Individualized Bee Catchers Hat:

This, too, eliminates the necessity for a mechitza. All congregants will have their own individualized hats with their personalized choice of the thickness of their netting. This idea was inspired by the recent royal wedding and the magnificent headpieces we were all exposed to.

There will also be a choice in the lengths of the netting. It can cover just the face, parts, or the entire body.

Shower Curtain Option:

The ceiling of the shul will be fitted with circular tracks for individual shower curtain mechitzas. As congregants enter the shul, each will go into their own arba amot, with their personal design and thickness. Once under the circular track of their choice, one simply needs to enclose themselves in his or her own little community friendly stall. (There will, of course, be the same assigned seating as we have now. And to reopen that controversy, women will likewise receive assigned seating).

Mixed Seating Option:

In order to prevent the senseless chatter and eye wandering, or lack of attention to the services, we propose wives be seated next to their respective husbands which will (obviously) prevent any conversation or sidelong glances.

Newlyweds are the exception to this plan and will therefore be prevented from praying in this synagogue.

The Sound System Plan:

For those who do not even want to risk seeing anyone going to and fro our place of worship, we can install a Shabbat-friendly sound system in their homes for their personal davening pleasure ( a virtual minyan option, if you will).

The Mechitza within a Mechitza

An opaque curtain will be set up on one side of the women's section (enclosing them completely), as per their request to not see or be seen. The remainder of the women's section will have a semi-sheer mechitza.

HOWEVER, A corresponding opaque curtain will encompass an area in the men's section, outside the Shulchan area for the men who do not wish to have visibility of the women, and as a consequence will also not have visibility of the Torah and services, as ludicrous and demeaning as that sounds.

This may deepen their awareness, empathy and compassion for the women who feel disconnected from the services. In plain English, maybe they will understand what it's like not to have a clue as to what is going on.

Comments welcome. Please reply to all addresses above. Anyone who would like to volunteer to translate this email into Hebrew, please do not hesitate.

Thank you,

WAMM - WOME​N AGAINST MECHITZA MESHUGAAS
Steering Committee:

Zahava Englard
Michele Wechsler
Eve Harow
Marilyn Adler

All rights reserved.

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My comments:

a)  what about a transgender situation?

b)  can churches benefit from some of these ideas?

c)  what happened to the balcony effect?  one-way windows?

d)  how high need a mechitza be?

e)  is a mechitza required for outdoor dancing as in the Moon Ritual?

f)  as for communication needs, that's been treated:

Communicating with spouse across the mechitza:
Hand signals; Shouting; Smoke signals (not on Shabbos); Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur; Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section; Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu;

g) other problems arising from a mechitza situation

I wish to be seated in a seat where:

--I can see my spouse over the mechitza
--I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
--I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
--My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse over the mechitza
--No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
--I can sleep during services
--I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (additional charges)